The Blog of paigeturner79

so...........i just didnt do a good job on exercising this morn...so...i stayed in bed until the house was empty..then moved to the couch ..and watched tv..then cut the tv off..took a shower...and thought ....get with it...........so..............went and lifted somewieghts...and thought about me getting my heavy bag this afternoon..and by the wkend can prtatice boxing in the garage...and then.....................

i rememb i needed some money..and i have no money cause my AX was so high...so i wnet and got quarters out of the change jar.................

and thought to myslef ...how insane i am at times..at least i acknowledge it firrst...which takes a bit out of the bite....and say..........how crzy.........i guess i will never be comfortable using "our" money .............hate it ..dont know why...that last bit of immerson i can not or will not do........and cutting no one nose off but my own...............i dont even know how muhc he makes per say...over 75 ...and with mine ..guess we are at about ...well.............anywya...i took the quarters...there was no doubt that is what i would do...had to have nmoney to give to the guy who won ...blah blah ...

so.............i put on some music...loud music...and some high heels and started dancing in the front room....had to get some cardio somehow...so...........dance the morn away...............it felt wonderful....brooks and dunn ' neon moon.............oh my gosh..............i just slipped across the floor...like butter.................on air...............it was magical........i havent really danced in sooo long.............now ..............i could dance all nite.............in heels...i love being in my high heels...............and with that white mans dress shirt....over my ........................and felt so alive and aware of the movement and sounds.................

i think of him when i wear the white shirt...and would he be pleased...

i can not believe the change in me..............all from fate.........the events that brought us to here...and i mean all of us ..............1 - 9.....................all of us..........and i could not be more grarteful .........i have never ever known this feeling of hope and strength in myself...i mean how could i ? i am at this age only once..this place of maturity....before i was always.............very narcasistic ( sp) and confident...but this time...........it is me and the rest is icing on the cake...

anyway..dancing over ...dressed...and drove to work with the windows down..cool air blowing...music playing...and barefooted...took my heels off and drove barefooted...all is wonderful....and i am singing ...

......and then !!!!and then.........the guy in front of me threw a cigarette butt out of his moon roof..............onto the ground..........and i ...........i went balastic !!!

this dirty dirty man.............on the street ..right in front of me...........and this.............is why...........i am still hesitant about getting my gun permit.................day crushed ...............had to laugh when i got to work....

life is such an adventure ..when we just open our minds.........and feel what we think.............and today..............i feel what i think..................

and i think also.............that i am going to experience some of the most pure happiness when i spend time with him..............now that all is behind us.........there is no need for any in depth journey.............just being together ...friends who are happy with each other...............i know he will be very happy when the time is over.............we will do things that will move our hearts...make us appreciate the day...........be humble...........and thankful.........and he will experience it thru my eyes as i his....kinda like a beautiful tree...the seed was planted in the first ...then the roots took hold when there was a true heart felt acknowledgment of what there is ...........and now...we will just bloom ..........the friendship will bloom ...into respect and admiratin.............never has it mattered..........and all i can do is acknowledge it...........it matters to me what he thinks.............not of me physically first..........but spritually...my heart....and what i hope from all ...the next thing that i know deep in my heart...is that i make him happy when he is with me.........beacause to be with him...............for me...............i dont have the right word...except humble...that he means that much to me..........he means more than i can say...........for no reason but who he is ...the man he is...my reflection in what is good in life....i adore him............he is my ...friend and is there in my heart...............

what a morn..it is only 842 ..much to do ...but for all this day.........i will think of him..and how happy i wil be to see him...........with no outside worries...just time for us................and be more focused because of it.............

THEN LIFE GETS REAL AGAIN...a good friend stopped by a min ago..her boyfriend is sick...bone C ...and she is lost ...and here i think....oh my gosh...dont let me put things off....dont let me take the day for granted...let me be humble and thankful enough that it makes a difference...

let me have a chance to help someone today...but let me also , stand tall and work on my dreams ...i have no do overs...let me move forward.....

so  again...oddly, ,,,,,i am alone here in the office...everyone off playing golf...or other...........................

and i was just setting doing some work..and this song..........who in the world listens to a song per say ? the words ?

it took my breath away..............it made me ...move...move to where no one could see me.....................

i felt myself almost hurt ...............how odd................

were there ever enough words to calm his heart ? to have him place all the worry aside...to reasure him i understand now....to let him know.............that there is no...nothing ...that is worth him not being in my life....all what was said is in my heart....with no doubt ..no second guessing...what is ...is something that i never in my life expected...and even now takes my breath away....

there are moments i have to make a mental note to place it where it belongs...but when the heat of the sun is on me...i become so aware ...of him not being there ........when the night is so cool and i am out side alone...i remember the ease we set togetther outside...and talked...and each word he said to i listened...and believed he did i...............

to hear his laugh makes me heart fill with joy..........and again........never did i expect this.............i have found never in my life with anyone who has passed thur.............such a calm unawareness of myself..............as if i am oblivious to the world when i am near him.................as if the laugh i hear is my own.........and the quickness in my breath...........it is from the surge of emotion that flows thur me when i least expect it..............to hold his hand is to hold the world in my hands...........how this happened i do not know...but in no way will i  turn from it..........i embrace it and am humbled by it.........and will be at peace now that the question has been ask and answered...he inspires me to be the best i can be..............and he has no idea that he does.............always in myprayers ..........alsways in my heart..........as i hope i am in his.....................fate brought us this friendship.......and time...and now i will work at it .............and be respectful of it..............he is the one who i never thought i would know...........

I felt stronger than ever sat morn in my spinning class..i seem to have moved my rytham up some....very proud...

everyone gone for the day and into the evening...

i did what needed to be done..then the yard..then shopped...and ...........that night...i stayed up until 3 am.........going thru ...trying to rid myself of life's clutter....and felt great the next morn...

up at 8 am off to breakfast...

then back and to go see girls for luncheon...it was great..........we are so in sync .................and i lvoe them each so much.............

late last nite...............after 10 or so.........all the house is asleep...and then i went outside...and set in the swing.........and thought..................

just for right now................i will let myself.............and i did...............

i started not to get on the treadmill this morn..then a text came at 530 that said "i love you".............it wasnt from ........but it made me remeber ...and i thought.............my heart is still.............and i can do this.........so i got up...and did it...now i feel strong and focused...

oddly enough when i got here soemone wanted to see my youtube....and there as i set smiling and watchin my friend half way laugh ( one had to be there ) ...............there was our laughter...........oh my gosh.........our laughter...it was so open and real................just ...........it made me smile...and feel so good to hear our voices...never dawned on me that was there....

i have started my visualiziton board for my future........i have wanted this adventure for a long time...............

when i put my lip gloss on i said it to myslelf...." beautiful" and i was talking about my heart and soul...........this has done that for me................

I seem to have moved forward.................mentally and physically....

it is a bit fearful.....but i remember this type of feeling...to step out on faith...for an adventure.........

as i set here..........i feel the urge and need to set straight....to feel the strenght in my self....as i did before............

i have been watching the secret ...had it for 2 yrs...and just let it set in the drawer...kept meaning to give it to someone...but .......maybe it was meant that it would be here for me when i was ready.........

it is empowering to do this while i am on the treadmill....to see myself accomplishing this...

i will be walking into a bankers office soon with a black suit on ...and shaking someones hand firmly...and have no fear ...what ever is not right can be fixed ...there are options out there for me.............

i worry that ...well i know that ...the income " we " have is way too much ...a shame that it enterd my mind to consider moving to a place that it would be my income only....

i will just do this ....and with great confidence...i have people surrounding me who are smart...and that is the greatest teaching tool one can have...

will surround myself with those who inspire me...........as i have always before....................

see it clearly...and this will come to me.................

well, just decided last pm to share the info that has been swirling...

and wait before i say that ..............HOW LAME AM I .............13 MIN MILE..OH MY GOSH.........average for a woman..........8 min.............crap. ! what a joke........but it kicked my ass to do it...........i have to ...just have to laugh.........

anyway..........................

i shared last pm..............i am going back  to the valley and looking at an opportunity for my friend..............will see if she is up to the challenge...and if i am too..................they were a bit shocked that i would do this for her...but ...........what the hey........................

the moon was beautiful last nite....................so full .........and pure...............

i did 2 miles last nite at 10 pm...........becuse i had skipped the gym to go to the bank.................so proud that i just got up and did it.............so tired of being lazy.......................

cant wait to get to the gym this pm......................and goin to do some rowing after class too...............work on my back.............got the cutest black shirt last pm..............on sale..........75 per cent off.............i am so cheap i sqeak...but did not blink a eye when they came home and announced they , with 5 other freinds may pay 365 to fly in some kind of jet to houston to an air show....................that is so ok with me.................cause i am bout make a move for someting i have always wanted ................

here is to being thankful...........and then focusing on my dream................may the universe hear my statment ...not a wish but a reality...........finally ok to do something with no fear..............

i slept on the couch last nite...no reason...just laying there and enjoyed it...so ...slept...

i realized no one said good nite...to end the day and not say good nite...didnt matter ..but i thought about it this morn...as they embraced me to say goodbye...

but this morn...........at 500 i thought i would just watch tv...a doc on ponce deleon....what a hoot ...i barely remembered what he was about...knew the name...so..................

but then i got up.................i got up and said i will not be lazy .........and so off i went..............and did my 2 miles.............not 13 min miles...but a good 15 and 17.........lots of incline..............and watched the secret.............

i will have dreams again.......and follow them...............i spent the morn ackowlding waht i am thankful for...........and now i will release my wish and desire for my future...........my life isnt over ..............it is just beginning.............

i had a wonderful afternoon with my best 3 girlfriends..........we ate a light meal...then went shopping at the thrift store...i was looking for a vintage 60's lamp....

but fun..fun....then i kissed each and went home.............to an empty house...which i am stunned at my emotions...........to say.........hmmm..i wasnt sure how i felt about it...............

a big flying day for everyone...a meeting ...they came in about 6 .........so tired...but so happy with the day...that is a good thing.............

i went to half price book store and got lots of magazines...and a book for a friend....

then by chance at about 9 that nite................i went outside ...............no lights in the back yrd.................but i looked out.................and the moon...............the moon was so very very bright...............and it took my breath away................like it cut into my heart................. i knew at that minute ...........where i wish i was standing....and with whom.............just for no other reason than to be able to turn and say.............the moon is so beautiful..............a gift from God....to us ...........for this moment.............

i went on about the evening..back into the house so not to let this thought linger..............but for the moment.............i felt the light of the moon shine into my heart.....................

I had lunch sat with a friend who i had not seen in over 5 yrs....we met at a wonderful street fair....a beautiful late morn....i set on a bench on the corner and waited...next to a stranger ..who was very much a converstaion person...

then he walked up....that wonderful wonderful friend....my landlord...who just turned 75..............and he is in a wodnerful state of life....so so very well off...and living life....

we walked over and hugged for what seemed a lifetime..............what a great man................

he was so tickled to see me....we had a wonderul lunch and held hands all thur just so happy to see a friend after so long....

he would come and set on my porch with me every month...i would go with him to collect rent for his 48 houses....he taguht me how to work on my house....he gave me homedepot gift cards instead of gifts...

we would talk politics...and life ...he was the one who turned me on the corner from taking a job with southwest airlines....

and now he has sold all his rentals and flips houses...quick flips...and wants to teach me how..................i think he is one of the finest human beings i have had the honor of knowing....

we are going to have lunch every 2wks....and ...sun afternon ..he called .settin in front of a house he wants me to look at....................

well ..............i have my eye on property...........and plan to persue it.............i am tired of not following my dreams like i use to...........i feel strenght in myself like i havent in years..........try and fail..........at least i tried...........try and succeed....that is from faith and hard work.................

I am at an flat loss for why i took the time to call my sister .........there has not been converstaion of value with her in over 7 yrs....she is drunk every wkend...and so .............this one time.............how can she not go and see our mother ? the woman is sick and old...and has a damn nerve disease,...yet she shares with me she has kept the card anita sent her 5 yrs ago...when i first met her and gave her carolines address..............so ...there is the longing ...so i ask......................pls go and see her ..i will take you ..give you the money....................no she says..........she left me so why should i go to her !!! in all that is holy ...........we are grown..................you just do..............

i ask her ...is this what you want your life to represent ? someone who would not take a few damn hours out of your life to do this for someone.? she has prayed for you all her life...she is a realigous woman who feels she sinned by giving us up.............why .? why ? .....

she will die and you will never know .....................you are so damn selfish...this bitch..............this selfish bitch.................who finds joy in telling me i am wasting my time................there is no wasted time in being kind..........i have had it with her.....................

she loved telilng me how she starts drinking friday nite and doesnt stop until sunday nite...she smokes 2 pks of cigarettes a day..........she finds this humerous....and married to a drunk who is an idiot when he is drunk....

well...............in life .........if we stop to look around at how it goes...............we attract who we are...........what we put out is what we will attract...............

i will drop a short note and apologize for approcahing the subject with her...how in God's name did we come from the same mother ..........this bitch had every opportuniyt to have a good life...she was with daddy her whole life while i was given to a violent mentally ill alcaholic woman .................and only had every 2 yrs with him to figure out there was a better way of life.................

this sad sad person ................who is my sister...................................

I was setting at the red light...and thought .... a new engine for the airplane...a new engine...enough money to buy a used car and put a small downpayt on a rental house ...

money ...what my friend needs...and what i have never put much improtance on...always lived below my means...

now i can not do for those who need help...

julie ...a child who needs to go to europe....her ac is out...i had jsut thougth i might buy her a new car...i could afford the pymts...now all the must things she needs...and i can not do it................

F ! we make over 100 K .............and my idiot pride .............but i want to feel no obligation to anyone...i just made the decisions i did ........not knowing ..........and i am so very sorry........but can only do the best i can...

i just cant change in mid stream...and say.........you know what i think i will take a couple of thousand to do a little something with................

i want all that money for him..............to use as he wants.........to enjoy his life...he has worked all his life...raised wonderful children ..did without for them to both go to college...gave them a wonderful childhood....

and i .............had over 18 yrs of doing as i pleased..............so ...all this should be his.....................tho he wants to give me anything i want .......i want for nothing .............and i make a point to ask for nothing...

except i have ask for something that i never expected ...and tho not mine in the day..........it is in my heart....................and for that i am a better person...a stronger person......................

My biggest fear is to tell what i am afraid of..

Even tho i feel i have finally met someone who means something to me i have never experienced before...and i say they could be the friend i finally tell the things ...tho irrational fear...can tell................i know that is possibly a fantasy...that .........when the moment came...could i truly let my guard down ...

no one in my lifetime has ever even known i have had a guard up...

i am preceived as one of the most open accesible people on this earth...

that i share my sorrows and heartache that i experienced as a young child so to help others open up..............but never as a grown woman...

i am the helper...the advisor...the confident.................but i have always wondered what it would be like to be the one who would open up and  tell...........to say .........i am afriad of ...........................

never have .............wish i would ............would they be the friend i trust finally in my lifetime ....would they be judemental ? would they offer guidence...

i wish i could.........i would LOVE TO KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE ?

is there residue ? do people regret it when they have shared an intimate feeling that they have never uttered for fear of displeasure in the eyes of someone they admire and respect ?

they are the one i long to set with and just tell.............setting very close to them  ...

that is what they have given me ...............never in my life have i been able to forget me ..............me up close.........me the sound of my voice...the witcism pouring forth...the personal moment of interest in the other ...never myself..

just with them...............i find i want to just look into their eyes and talk...

never ever..............have i experienced that feeling that someone is listening to me so closely........

i have stood on platforms...given speches ...spoken to large groups ...little groups...i reveled in the fact i had no fear ..i set in a courtroom next to a judge for 5 yrs,.........with a courtroom full of people ..i loved that they were all listening ...but never..........never did i know this feeling ..........

that i could be so close to someone....and feel that they were listening ...i guess i truly never cared if they were listening....

but their eyes on me...........and i am humbled by the moment...as if i was with myself....truly i do not understand...but i do acknowledge this is a peace i have never experienced...and hope i will allow myself to do what i long to ...

tell what i am afraid of.........i trust them...........they will listen........and look at me with understanding..................